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kellie babyyy

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DAY TWO [07 Jun 2010|08:38pm]
Yesterday was horrible, I was so miserable and had no idea how to STOP thinking about Justin. Today was a LOT better though. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I had 2 midterms and class today. Yesterday was Sunday, which resulted in me being capable of laying in bed crying. Today, however, I had to get up and start my day. Oddly enough, it was not hard to do! I felt much better being so preoccupied and busy with classes, the gym and homework. I hadn't stopped my day until 7pm which I declared was officially my time to relax and rest.

BUT, now is when everything hit me again. Laying around watching tv before bed just reminded me of how empty my apartment feels without him here. Not only that but it also reminded me how empty my bed is. I slept HORRIBLE last night. It was awkward being alone, I honestly couldn't remember the last time I slept without him. Now, it is going to be the normal thing and I am not going to settle into that change very easily. I know the days will go by pretty smoothly because of school pre-occupying me but the nights are going to be a struggle. SO, in order to get through it, I am going to write at night. It should help me get stuff off my chest and attempt to relax.

On a happier note, got two midterms out of the way today AND got an A on my poli sci paper!!! Clearly the high note of my day :]

DAY ONE [06 Jun 2010|04:44pm]
Well I have not updated my livejournal in ages. I guess I somewhat grew out of the "write down your feelings" phase because for the past year I have been spending all of my time incredibly happy with the love of my life. I can not believe that over the course of one year I finally found my true, real and only soul mate. Justin found me at the perfect time - I had finally recovered from my 3 year relationship failure with matthew AND i had come to live my life for MYSELF. I think that taking almost a year off from dating after matthew was exactly what I needed to rediscover myself and live happily again. Justin not only swept me off my feet but he showed me how a woman DESERVES to be treated. His old fashioned charm and sophistication in relationships was refreshing and surreal. A year later, he still opens doors for me even just the door to the car! Obviously I found the man of my dreams and on May 26, 2010 (my 21st birthday), Justin put a diamond ring on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. YES YES YES!!!!

Clearly, this all spells out happiness for me. However, today is the first day of a really tough 6 months. Justin left today for TBS School in Quantico, VA. He is a 2nd Leut. in the Marines and has a specialty school to attend before deploying next year. I had to say goodbye to him today and it was the hardest goodbye of my life. I have never cried so much on a drive home than I did today. And what is crazy is that if I think THIS is hard, I don't even want to imagine next year when he deploys. But there is NO WAY I can back down from this. Even though it is going to be hard, I am going to pick myself up and get through it because Justin is worth every ounce of pain I feel when I am missing him. Luckily I will get to see him about once a month but I am stil going to have to adjust to not having my fiance constantly by my side. Therefore, I plan to write MUCH more often in order to maintain sanity and get my fears, worries and tears out whenever necessary.

All I know is that Justin is the man of my life; he is my FOREVER. These 6 months will be a test to our relationship but we will pass with flying colors. Next step for us is starting a family and BOTH of us can not seem to shake the idea of beginning a family from our minds.

I miss you already baby. You are my heart, my soul, my marine <3

[20 Sep 2009|07:29pm]
YAY new kitty. 7 week old baby boy sidney <3

[15 Sep 2009|06:03pm]
i need to start writing again, i feel like so many things have happened that i have not updated on. overall, justin is the best thing to happen to me in a longggg time. we met during summer session 1, before ian and i even broke up. i just instantly connected with him. he is notttt the reason ian and i broke up at all though. ian and i were just not meant for each other. i liked him but i knew it would never surpass that. i couldnt see myself falling in love with him or even really being with him for a longgg time. justin, however, was EVERYTHING and more that ive ever wanted. anyway, the two of us started hanging out constantly but i dont think either of us expected it to get serious because i just got out of a relationship and he was leaving for OCS marine training in like a month after we met for 6 weeks. wellll he ended up writing me EVERY day he was gone. i went to his graduation at the end of the 6 weeks and things have been perfect between us ever sense. i genuinely have not been happier. he is honest, genuine, caring, hilarious, sexy, understanding, strong... he is my marine. i never thought i would be capable of feeling like this again. i am completely in love with him and the best part is that he is completely in love with me too.

other than justin, school is raping me (excuse my vulgarity). my classes are pretty damn intense. plus i herniated a disk in my lumbar spine so im feeling quite HUGE without daily workouts, anddd thats it. OH oct 2nd justin and i are going to the va beach blink 182 concert and then im visiting jersey oct7th!!!!! time for homework. i will start updating more regularly.

[06 Jun 2009|01:10pm]
i have no idea what is going on in my head right now. it could be the 5 week summer session that has been killing me with hundreds of pages of reading and a 20 page research paper OR it could be that i am doing the typical shit i always pull whenever i find a good guy. i dont understand at all. matthew was bad for me in EVERY possible sense of the word yet i was crazy about him and was blind to ALL of his flaws. ever since him, every guy ive gotten close to, ive pushed away and find every possible flaw that i can use against them. now i was finally brave enough to take the plunge and give a relationship with ian a chance and now, not even 2 months in and im PETRIFIED. he is such a GOOD boyfriend and for some reason i cant let go of the stupidest of problems. i havent even told anybody about this because it feels sooo dumb. fml.

[26 May 2009|08:38pm]
well, its my 20th birthday AND livejournal's 10th birthday!

i have not made a real post in an extremely long time. i wish i kept up with this better because there are so many thoughts/things that i could be writing about, yet i dont take the time to do so anymore. i promise to get better. it was such a good outlet for frustration, stress, anger, happiness, heartbreak, love, etc...

But for now, i had a fabulous birthday! my friends are amazing, those whom are near as well as those whom are far. and ian and i are doing great. he is a wonderful boyfriend and i really do feel grateful because he treats me amazing, he lacks drama, and he genuinely enjoys being with me. what more could i ask for?

oh but summer classes, they suckkk! five weeks is just not enough time! hahaha

[02 May 2009|08:05pm]
you put your arm around my shoulder
and it was good, the room got colder
and we moved closer in together
started talking about the weather
you said tomorrow would be fun
and we could watch a place in the sun
i didn't know where this was going
when you kissed me.

i am SOO happy.

[18 Apr 2009|07:35pm]
sooo i really like ian and things couldnt be going any better :]

[05 Apr 2009|01:28am]
i just talked to matt for nearly 6 hours for the first time in 6 months.

[30 Mar 2009|06:20pm]
i seriously should not be having a migraine once a week.
i am making a doctors appointment because i cant deal with this anymore
its debilitating painnnn.

[24 Mar 2009|05:21pm]
today something really interesting happened....

i was walking to class and a complete stranger, whom happened to be a girl, walked straight up to me and said "hey i know this is totally random, but i just wanted to tell you that you are SO pretty. and no im not gay, just figured id let you know in case you were unaware."

that was literally the nicest thing anybody has ever done. i was so stressed today and definately was not considering myself to look put together at allll. it completely turned my day around that somebody would go out of their way to compliment a total stranger.

hm as for boysss, i think im doing well in that categoryyy! im starting to really like chance but im not gunna rush it. we really click. then there is also russ and dwight. i go out with them on occassion on little dates, but i definately think chance is the one thats got my attention. basically, im enjoying myself and not taking dating too seriously. ever since matt and i split, i realized that this really is my time to figure out WHAT i want in a relationship. i dont need to rush things, im completely happy with how things are right nowwww. and chance treats me wonderfulllly either way :]

anywayyyy, tonight im writing a paper, then tomorrow night is kaeleykellieandkaye adventure nighttt hehe. im going out to chapel hill with some friends for HOOKAHHH on thursday night when ill be blessed with rebecca's presence as well! then i get to see rebecca again friday night and THEN jonathon is visiting saturday!

gunna be a fabulous weekend. now i just need to make it through the next two days of classessss.


[16 Feb 2009|06:00pm]
im disgustingggggg. diet tomorrow.

depressed and i dont know why.

[20 Nov 2008|09:06pm]
just saw matt for 2 hours. entirely too painful to write about at the moment.
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[17 Nov 2008|02:27pm]
i dont want to love you anymoreeeeee.
turn off stupid heart, itd be better that way.

[15 Nov 2008|07:26pm]
so the weirdest things always happen to me. why? im not entirely sure! like why on earth would my gums get infected and pop? there was so much blood it was horrible and now i got some stictches with some wonderful pain meds haha. honestly it doesnt hurt anymore. yesterday morning however was a whole other story.

anyway, i have a paper that i NEED to do tomorrow. ive procrastinated long enough ahhh. ive just been so engulfed with the twilight series haha im on the third one already! they are so amazing, seriously i recommend them to everyone, you wont be able to stop reading. then once im done im starting the jodi picoult series! woo so fun hehe its a great way to make your workout go by with much more ease. I can read on the elliptical all day with these books! okay maybe not allll day haha. but you get the point. and its awesome to get into another person's life as if it is really happening. wonderful. sorry i sound like a geeeeeeeek.

matt texted me yesterday to ask if i was okay after my hospital extravaganza. i said "im fine matt ttyl." kinda bitchy on my part. at least he tried.

so after my paper is done HOPEFULLY by tomorrow afternoon, i will be getting a couple new piercings! but im not gunna ruin the surprise and tell you what they are ;)

OHHHHHHH and nj soon to see all my babes <3

[04 Nov 2008|04:51pm]
ive been lucky enough to rekindle some friendships that mean the world to me. arianna drove an hour just to come get me from stockton because i was having a crappy time with steph and i needed her. now that is what friendship is truly about. when you need somebody to lean on, youre true friends are always there, without even having to ask them. me and her have been through hell and back, but when it comes down to the end of the day and i need a shoulder to cry on, never once has she not been there for me. never once has she told me that she doesnt care.

i got to see meghan so much this time at stockton which made me sooo happy because she is such a strong girl and really genuinely cares about her friends. we talked so much about both of our lives and she actually listened and wanted to be there for me. its always nice to have someone like her around.

and how about miss bankos. i know we didnt talk tooo much in hs but damn that girl is so real. she went out of her way to help me realize how much i did not need matt and how much of a better guy i deserve. i couldnt thank her enough.

of course all of my friends are amazing but these are just the ones that lately have really shown me what life is really about. i dont need matt to be happy. honestly, yes i still love him and i know he loves me too. but he is not good for me anymore and does not even know how to speak to me with respect. we tried to have a friendly lunch when i was home over the weekend but it didnt go well, we dont know how to be friends yet, we dont know how to NOT love each other YET. one day i hope to be able to look at him and see a friend, but right now there is too much between us and too much dissappointment. but i will be okay. i have my up days and my down days but ive got my friends that get me through every single day. all i need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriends<3
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[28 Oct 2008|04:44pm]
are you really trying to weasle your way back in? get the fuck out of my life.

[16 Oct 2008|10:47am]
so i really havent updated a real entry in quite some time. matthew and i are no longer together and im doing just fine without him. i had a really rough time at first but nobody is worth it if they can cheat on you after almost 3 years. guys are flocking to me and even though im not ready to jump into a relationship, it feels nice to know that i dont have to be alone. every girl wants attention, it makes you feel good about yourself.

but anyway, i visited stockton over fall break and had an absolute blast! shit was wilddd and i met so many awesome people! im going back again in 2 weeks to visit rowan and then stockton for halloweeeeen. tony and pete are gunna show me around rowan so i can figure out where im transferring to next semester. dont get me wrong, i do love ncsu, but i belong in jersey. well, at least closer than i am. i wanna do criminal justice and ncsu doesnt have it so i decided to head back closer to homeee<3 my parents completely understand which is awesome. they said that they are proud of me that im doing it for myself because they didnt want me transferring just to be with matt. no guy is worth changing my life for. a real relationship is about sticking by your side through your own changes that you need to face. im glad im doing this for me. so yea im excited =]

im really proud of myself. i feel that everything really does happen for a reason. losing matt helped me grow up and put MYSELF first. i learned that i need to take care of myself above all things, even though im usually the type to put everyone else first. im stronger than i ever imagined myself to be.

jersey 13 days!
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[02 Oct 2008|05:49pm]
"i just wanted to tell you that i love you and cant stop thinking about you and dont know what to do"

you make me sick.

[30 Sep 2008|08:04pm]
well as much as i was devestated last night, i am doing so much better today. i know that ill have my ups and down of fetting over matt, but i know i deserve to be treated with more respect than i was given last night. i deserve to be loved consistently, it shouldnt just fade suddenly because i am away at school and a new girl is into you. and i definately do not deserve to have him try to tell me that he has faith that eventually we will be together again. fuck you. i can neverrr do that. you lie once, youll lie again. a cheater once, always a cheater. he wants to have his cake and eat it to. break up since im away and have his little fun and then when he realizes he fucked up he wants to come crawling back? its time for me to start my life without him. its time for a new phase of my life. of course i will always care about him despite the pain he just put me through. he was my first love. but this time i need to look out and take care of myself. he will regret this and when he does, he will regret it even more when i dont fall back into it. goodbye matthew, the 2 1/2 years were good while they lasted. i hope you do well in life and i hope your new girl can treat you half as well as i have.
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